It's that time again...

I know I only post after I see Jacob, but well, that's the only time I feel alive anyway. He left on Sunday. It was heart-wrenching. It always is, really. I already miss him; already I'm beginning to feel incomplete again. I hate when he's away, but I know that it's what’s best for him. He needs this, he really does. But, I did have a wonderful time while he was here. We stayed at a house his grandparents had furnished for the family. It was super nice, like playing house :o) We hung out with his friends a lot, went to nice dinners, played games, and ate tons :P We also saw the Titanic thing at the Cincinnati Museum. That was really fun. I like doing things like that, date things.  I had a wonderful Christmas, and an even better New Years. Jacob bought me a ring for Christmas, a garnet, my birthstone. It's really really nice. I just got him boring clothes :P We also got our pictures taken professionally. That will be nice. I hope they turn out good. I hate looking at myself in pictures. Speaking of which, I've been going through all my scrapbook stuff, and old pictures. Wow have we come a long way. It is so weird to look at myself from the past. Part of me is downright disgusted at the way I looked, but part of me sees how much progress I've made. I've come a long way baby! But these pictures didn't seem bad, I'm sure they'll be nice. Haha they were expensive enough! So all in all, it was an amazing week. My life felt real, and complete. I enjoy spending time with him so much, and his family too. I can't wait to see you again!! Two months....you know we're spoiling ourselves, and soon we'll have to wait 6 months. Gosh, I don't even want to think about it! Thank God for emails! :o)
People have been asking me a lot lately about my relationship. Why I'm with a military man, how do I deal with the distance, is it really worth it? But it really got me thinking about my life, and my love, and what I want to be doing. Of course I think it's worth it. I'm probably one of the luckiest girls out there. Sure he's gone, and I don't get to see him everyday, but we can both assure you that when we do see each other, it's magical. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, well, I'm proof of that. I never thought it was possible, but I love you more and more each passing day, Every time I wake up without you, every time I go to sleep, I feel more for you than I did the day before. Jacob, you truly are the love of my life, my soul mate. I can't imagine a day without you, even if it's only your voice on the phone, or your words on a screen.  And I can't even begin to describe the way you make me feel. Whole. Just...whole. So, is it easy? No. Do I enjoy it? Not really. Would I do it again if I had the chance? You bet, you are more than worth it.

(no subject)

Well, I've returned from yet another wonderful trip visiting my wonderful boyfriend. I went down there for his 21st birthday. We had a lot of fun....we went out to eat, shopped, went to the botanical gardens, he showed me around the base, we made teddy bears, we ate at a comedy club...lots of fun times. I always love going down there, but I'm always so misrible and mopey when I get back. I just miss him so much. The drive down wasn't too bad, but coming back took forever. I swear next time I'm going to fly (granted I swear that each time...but I really mean it this time!) But yes, I had a grand time. The weather was mostly nice too, which was good. I'm glad I got to spend his birthday with him. Now I'm looking foward to next year.
But now I'm back home, back in the rut. My job is getting more and more pathetic, and I've considered finding another one. But I know I'll never find a job as flexable as the one I have now making over 11 bucks an hour. But I guess we all have to do things we don't enjoy. Mine just happens to take up 40 hours a week....if I'm lucky.
ok well....yea....thats pretty much all. I miss you Jacob!

(no subject)

Well, I've just spent the first week at the new place. Its nice. Its getting to be more like home each day. I do enjoy the apartment, and I like living with shell, it just feels weird somehow. Maybe because its actually my place and I can do what I want. The problem is, I dont want to do anything. I've been in a bad mood lately. Not like, angry, just, down. Dunno. I feel like everyone is trying to change me. Like Im not good enough the way I am. "Be quiet, stand here, Speak up, move there, wear this, do that, be like her" its just annoying. Not that I have anything wrong with who I am, I just feel like its not good enough. Like I'll never be the girl you want me to be. I dunno. Im sure its a phase, it will pass.
Tomorrow (saturday) we are having a little house party thingy, so do stop by if you'd like. Call me and I'll give you directions.

This is why I dont let you know whats going on in my life...

I had decided to start a new diet the other day....well, by decided I mean I was asked. But don't get me wrong, I need to lose weight and I'm willing to eat nothing but grass to do it. Well, maybe. But anyway, I made the mistake of telling my mother that I want to cut back on carbs, but not really hardcore until I move out (which is this weekend, by the way) So I was getting ready to leave for the gym and she had some M&Ms sitting out so I ate one, and she was like "How many carbs was that? are you sure you should be eating that?" Pretty sure I wanted to shove it in her eyeball. And she wonders why I never tell her anything....
So yes, Tomorrow is the big day. Apartment day. Moving Day. Goodbye mom and dad's roof, hello responsibilities. But, the good thing is, I'll be allowed to stay out past ten and not have to ask to go to the mall. Not that I really do that stuff now...But Im pretty pumped, and a little nervous. Ive said it all before though, nothing new...

quick update, only because i should be doing something else...

So, I'm moving out...for real this time too. I'm pretty excited, I think. Then I get all nervous. I don't want to fail. I hate failing. I think thats why I always give up on the gym...I go and go and go, but I never feel like I get anywhere, which means I failed. Speaking of the gym, my promise to myself to go everyday that I made last week has already been broken...see? Failure. Man. I need to start packing, I guess. I dont really know how though, since I own like, 7 things total. Everything is mostly big things that don't go into boxes, like couches and tables. But yea, next weekend. I'm sure it will be fun for like, the first few weeks, like a big sleepover that never ends. But then all of a sudden we'll get bills and it will suck. I need to stop being so negative....and get ready for work.
Have a good day :)

(no subject)

Ok, so Im back from vacation...It was ok. Yes, just ok. The best part by far was seeing Jacob...He's so wonderful, He drove 3 hours and paid 12 bucks just to see me for the day, Awww hehe :) But the vacation part before him was pretty boring. Just a lot of sitting around...some eating and reading, and more sitting around. But it was quite nice not to have to worry about work. But I would have rather just been at home and not working. O well. So after I got back I called work to see what I am working this week, and I was told I only have 23 hours this week....two and a half days...thanks guys. So I guess Ill have to see if thats what they plan for me for the rest of the summer, and start looking for another job...pretty sure I cant afford to move out on 23 hours a week. I cant even afford to live at home with 23 hours a week. I hate walgreens. Speaking of moving out, we finally got ahold of the lady, and she said she'd call us again on wednesday. Much like she was supposed to call us on the 31st, but never did. I hope she follows through this time. But then again, if Im not working, maybe I shouldnt move out...

Ugh...

I feel like there is so much on my mind that I need to say...but my silly little brain can't form words into sentences and I just get frustrated and give up. I've been dealing with my money situation, and its not looking good. I have no doubt that things will work out...they always do. It just sucks. I was doing so good, then all of a sudden I get huge bills out of nowhere that I wasn't planning on getting. And, to top it all off, I wrote my last check today, so I had to scramble to order some, and they won't be here for 3-5 weeks. Which puts me after the first of the month, which is when all my bills are due. Why dont things just go the way I want them to?
My family is stressing me out as well. It seems like we can't go a single moment without a fight. I can't wait to move out, and apparently, they can't wait either. The problem is, I dont really have the money for the deposit and stuff right now....Hopefully, as much as i hate to say this, the apartment won't be ready until after the first pay day in July. Everything seems to just be happening so fast I feel like I've fallen behind and have no chance of catching up.
I feel like theres so much more that needs to be said, But Im just not interested in sharing anymore...
Maybe I just need a nap

One more day...

Well, vacation is officially over. I was going to update sooner, but it took some time to collect my thoughts and move on. It was rough saying goodbye, thats for sure. But knowing I will see you again makes it that much easier. Thank you. Just for being you :o)
Anyways, back to vacation. It was GREAT. So much fun. Talk about burning both ends of the candle...I barely got any sleep, yet I've never felt as refreshed as I did last week. We swam, ate, watched movies, played games, watched more movies, went out to eat some more, and had a cookout. I even met his family...the whole family. It wasnt nearly as bad as I was afraid it would be. He says they like me, But I'd like to know what they say when I'm not around :P We went out for coffee, hung out with friends, played putt-putt, everything! But the part I enjoyed the most was just being with Jacob. It seems like we dont always get to do the 'normal' couple stuff....its nice to think that we're actually making memories. :o) He's so great....haha I say that all the time. But I really do consider myself one of the luckiest girls in the world to have someone like him. Most girls might never know the joy I have. He really is something special. haha...i should stop, dont want him to get a big head :-P not that he would anyway.
But needless to say, this visit was the best ever. It seems like each visit is better than the last....Just keeps getting better with time. But that is surely something I can live with. Just think about what the future would hold then! But I miss you baby, And I continue to count the days until we meet again. Thanks for being so....You!

Getting back to work though....now that is a different story. I wish I was happy at my job. I think that half the reason why Im not is because I know what else is out there. I know what makes me happy, and working at walgreens is not it. Part of me just feels like Im spinning my wheels, stuck in neutral. And part of me feels like Im wasting my life. Work is not the most important thing, that is for sure. And I feel like Im working when I could be doing things that will fill my life with happy memories and thoughts and stuff. If I were to die tomorrow, there are plenty of things I would have done differently. Money is not the most important thing....ever. Unfortunately, without it, it is hard to survive. So, I guess for now, I'll just keep trudging along, hoping to one day find something to support me that really brings me happiness. Lucky for me, I dont need a lot to survive.
  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful

(no subject)

Sometimes I feel so worthless...Like there is nothing I can to to help...all I want to do is make things better for you. For all of you...

Also, We got our apartment. Well, we haven't got the keys yet, but soon enough. I'm very excited. I'm ready for a change.

Im also very excited about Jacob coming to visit next week. Wow...next week. It seems like fore ver ago he first told me he would be visiting this summer. I can't wait to see him. O how I miss him.

School is almost over. Two weeks. I failed my test. I knew I would. My mind has been everywhere but on my schoolwork. I need a break.

Never's too soon

I have so much that I feel like I need to get done, but my mind is full of other things, and I dont feel like doing anything but think. Which really isnt getting me anywhere. It doesnt help to just sit and dwell on things that I can't change. You made your decision, and thats that. Now I just have to react to that decision.
I hate school. I just want to be done. Two more years...sheesh. Its not too bad, and maybe it will go easier once Im actually taking classes I care about. I have a lot of homework, and I'm stumped on it. I've never been stumped on homework. I've always been able to pull something out. My mind is preoccupied. I just can't think.
Im too pissed to think
I hate you